76th Blog - "Life is a prison when you are in love alone"

It does not matter now, he thought. Nothing does. He will close his eyes and everything will disappear. The world. The tears. The pain. That was what he hoped for, that was what he believed in, that was what he had never tried before. Because if he tried and it didn’t work, he would have nothing left to have faith in. Because if he closed his eyes and the pain were still there, he would be broken. he would be destroyed, Ruined, Reduced and much more Crippled.

But today he was ready to take that risk. Today he wanted to stick to that little hope that everything might be if not fine, but at least okay. Today he wanted to close his eyes. So what if there was a good chance that he might be knocked down and broken into pieces. How did it matter if nobody cared? How did it matter if even he did not care?

Suddenly he noticed her picture on the table. It was an old one and one of the beautiful one. he realized that he didn’t remember when it had been taken. Five years ago? Six? Maybe more old. He didn’t know anymore. he didn’t care anymore. he didn’t want to know. Should he close the eyes now, he wondered. Let himself be forced to the world of illusions, to the world where he remembered the pictures, the dates. Where he actually didn’t need pictures to look into her eyes. Where he just did not need any pictures. Because She and only she is there.

He wanted to close his eyes. he really did. he hoped to see her in the world of his fantasies. he wanted to ask so many questions. he wanted to talk. he wanted to stay silent. he wanted to feel her presence. To feel her love. To feel her. To be with her. he wanted to stay there. he wanted to close his eyes and never open them. No, he didn’t want to die. he only wanted to close his eyes, to feel her presence, to feel himself in her arms, to feel her warm embrace and love. he wanted to dream. To hope. To live with her.

It was her birthday today. It was her first birthday after that car accident. It was her first birthday after the car accident that had changed their lives. It was her first birthday after the car accident that had killed her. It was the first birthday. Damn it! He thought. It is the first birthday when she is not with her to cut the cake. It was the first birthday when she was not with him to enjoy the day.

He didn't ask “why” anymore. The time of questions had long passed. he did not cry anymore. Not in the day at least. And he did not smile anymore. All he wanted was one simple thing – to close his eyes, to disappear, to vanish. All he wanted was to live, was to live only with her.

Should I close the eyes? he asked. Silence. In an utter silence. Of course, who would have going to replied for his own soul question? 

 

He was all alone. Wrapped by the blanket of loneliness. Stuck in the darkness of grief. Losing herself in an agony of silence. He was alone. And She was alone too, Somewhere. Maybe in another world, people says that exist afterlife. Maybe in the same one. 

 

Love need not to end like this one, he thought. At-least not in this way. But She was not there. he knew that. he just was not ready to accept that truth. 

 

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A moment later he's smiling. He sat on the bench under an old oak tree. In his imagination he sat down next to her. he didn’t say a word. In his imagination neither did she speaks a single word. But at that moment of life did they exactly need some words to say ?? No they didn’t need words. They needed Just each other. And all they had to do was to close their eyes at the exact same time. And they did.

Regards

Dhitendra

Keep Smiling :-)