A
FICTION STORY
It was 5:30 AM
Rain was poured outside and just an hour ago the rain was stopped. It was so snug and comfortable in bed. I didn't want to get up and feeling delighted inside, but unfortunately it was a Monday morning. I could see the light of morning coming through my window and I knew I had to get up anyhow. Why can't today be Saturday or Sunday? I thought. Then I would not have to get out of the warm bed. It was so pleasant there. However, the rain did not care whether it's a Monday or a Sunday, because it doesn't know the difference of time. And I reluctantly have to get up.
Although the time showed Six,
the sky was still not very bright. The dark clouds and a
just ended
downpour of rain
kept the sky looking drab and gray.
As
per routine
I was ready for
morning exercise
in the
park, near to my
house. It is one
of the amplest
and dishy
park of city, that always
raises her
luster after
rain and you can
feel like you're in an another world.
When
I was wandering
in the
park. I saw an
old man, the man
who casually
not looks
happy and
somewhere always
deemed lost in
his own thoughts,
leaned
on the same chair
at the same
place. I
always thought maybe he's seated here from dawn to sundown and with
same state. But
today there's unlike
any
reason to be unhappy
with that beautiful rainy
season. Since
I'm constantly
approaching
to the park for years, I almost know all elderly people. But
he was not like
all of them and
always prefer to
seat on his distinct
place. But
today
he looks more
depressed.
Since from the time when I awakened,
my mind was not set to do any workout today
and I, myself
wanted to see and
depicts the beauty of nature, whose
beauty was already
dilated,
just after of
season's first rain. I
thought to sit next to aged
man and to talk.
Why he's not
happy?, Is there
any problem?. Anyway this was not my schedule work but today my
mind revealing me forcefully to talk to him. I simply
don't know why.
And
thus a conversation starts. As
soon he began
to tell his story, I thought maybe there's a reason to be in
trouble. And here
he starts the story.
“When
I was an
Infant,
I didn't know what I want to be. When I grow up a little and pursuing
to school, till
then I don't know what I want to be, moreover no one asked me, what I
wants to be?”
“But
one day, I
realized and asked
a
question to
myself, “What
I
wants to be in my
life.” Might be
that day I
know the fact, I'm grown. My
age was thirteen
and I was in class eight.”
“The
first thought that come across in my mind was, I wants to be a
Defense officer, but he's the person who fight on borders' and my
parents will never allow me to join the prestigious services to serve
the nation. Then, what I wants to be.? The second thought that comes
in my mind was “I want to be a scientist” wait? a scientist? a
scientist! Is not “that man” who do research’s, tries to invent
new things and then spend whole life by only studying. But I don’t
want to study all the time, then, what I wants to be.? And the
question remains with no answer on that day. Well. that's because I
was in class Eighth in school then and that type of absurd thinking
are the part of that age. But as the day passes that question curled
in my mind daily “what you want to become Mr.?” - A disgusting
but usual question now also thrown towards me by my parents and
relatives. I don’t know what they assumed about my decision then,
but all the time there was a very immature answer that was given by
me.
Well,
whatever, I wanted to become a scientist. It was a very beautiful
idea to me then. It was a dream that one day I will be doing research
about something and I will also invent new facts, do inventions and
derive theorems like Newton, Albert Einstein, Edison and some fine
day enter my name in the pages of history. These were very easy to
dream about, because I did not have to study higher physics then, I
did not know what chemistry really is, how much tough a math can be.
Oh, what days those were, I was just thinking that I have started
learning science and one day I will become, well, a scientist.
And,
as I grown a little more, one day I again thought, No, I don't want
to become a scientist or something like that. I like to play
badminton, chess and cricket. But there's already a long queue to be
a part of national team, chess is a game of mind and most of time
mine is out of order, but I like badminton like a child. And I
decided, I'll be a Badminton Star, leading Indian team from the
front, marching with national flag, somewhere in Olympic and
commonwealth. But as I grew up I forgot again about my dream, my
passion because, well, I thought that was only a “dream”. The
dreams that was seen with an open eyes.
I
was in class Tenth. Like all other student, I had also started the
race in the world of studies, competitive exams, coaching classes to
score a brilliant result in Board examinations. History, Geography
had already started to bore my life. But I loved my coaching classes
most. There were my friends, gossiping with friends, suggestions for
exams (which reduces worries about examinations), and most of all,
there were girls! Even few of my friends then had already got engaged
having one or more than one girlfriends'.
“You
need a girlfriend?” - One day, one of my closest friend asked in
coaching classes.
“A
funny question, who doesn't want?” - I replied, “I already have
crush on Riya. But.”
“But
what?” Asked he again.
“I
can not approach her.” I replied.
He
laughed, “I understand brother. Look, Swati is best friend's of
her.”
“Yeah
I know that so?”
“And,
She's is my girlfriend too, stupid!”
Really
I was stupid! Here's my friends girlfriend who is indeed best friend
of my crush and I was just imagining how to reach her. Well, let's
skip the “love” part of my story that at this situation consists
of introduction with my crush through her best friend, SMS, flirting,
spending time by walking a long path after coaching classes, proposal
etc. and at last the acceptance of proposal. After all those, I had
two actions that remains in my life on those days, first one; to
study and the second one is to love my girlfriend and spend time with
her. I didn't had time to ask myself about my passion, my ambition
and the most important question of life “What I wanted to be”,
even I had no time for my hobbies.
One
Evening, after the end of the coaching, I was returning home with
her. We were gossiping, talking about the future of our relationship.
Suddenly she asked me a very known question to me.
“What
I want to be in future?”
Well,
it was not that so much disgusting as it was before, because this
time the question asked by her and I actually don't know the answer
“what I actually wanted to be then”. But I have to reply and I
replied, “To score well in 10th standard, then 12th and then I want
to become an Engineer, I will give Engineering entrance test.” this
was my answer. But then she asked more loathsome question.
“I'm
not talking about study, what else apart to study? everyone studies
and wants to become something like that, but what else? what is your
hobby? what do you like to become more than being a normal person who
just wants to earn for living and keeps his desire and wish fulfilled
lifetime?”
“But
that is the purpose of study, so that someday I can got some better
job with a handsome salary and ever able to fulfill my family
wishes.” Responded I.
“I
don't think so, to earn is not only the purpose of life. This can you
called as your ambition, but this is not your passion. So I asked the
question. Do you have any passion?”
What
would I respond to her. And then she made me understood that actually
I didn't know what to become even then. And I started to think again
what to become?
I
passed my 10th standard and took science stream. New ambition. New
passion. To become an Engineer. New hobby. Nothing, actually, how
there would be “new hobby” as there was no old one earlier. I was
still a person of having an ambition of being a scholar who could
earn a lot to live an elementary life. So, my new ambition was to
become an Engineer. I took biology and maths in my course. But things
were not going according to my plan and my choice of studying
interestingly with an ambition of being an Engineer. Finally, I
started to learn what physics really is, Chemistry was no longer a
fantastic world and math was not a game of number. Obviously I
stopped dreaming to become a scientist long ago, and I understood
what a mess it would have been if my ambition of being a “that
man” remained constant till then. And as you can see my
“ambition” changed again! I wanted to become an engineer after
failure of my “dream” of becoming an Engineer. Thus my
“ambition” kept up its changing behavior as usual.
I
appeared for engineering and cracked the entrance test. Yes! I thought someday I would be
an expert engineer in that particular stream. I enjoyed the college
fest, the liquor parties, the hostel life, the girls in there and I
found there an independent “me”. I grew myself up maturely
during that period, made my own decisions. my own choices and my own “ambitions”. My ambition was then to get a job in the field
of engineering and earn as much money as I can to live my life
happily.
I
ended up my engineering career as a bachelor of engineering and got a
good job that allowed me to earn a healthy salary to run my pocket,
help my family. This all happened in my last year of engineering. So
I completed my Bachelor's degree and got a new job with amended
salary. Ambition achieved! Is it complete!
But
one day I thought had I achieved what I wanted to be? An only
Bachelor's degree and an engineer with a good, rather better salary
job, that's it? Had my ambition and passion of my life ended up just like that?
Is there no passion in my life now? what will I do in my life in
future? Just earn and feed? All these questions were queued up in my
brain.
Now
a long days have passed. I spent half of my youth age by deciding if
this is my final ambition or passion or this is not, if I can achieve
what I have thought or not, if this is my “ambition” or just like
a “dream”? I never found a consistent answer of any of those
questions. I dreamed of becoming a scholar to earn easily and I
earned, nothing else.
I
am seventy now. My life has come to an end. I had my son, grand
children. What I had spent my whole life after getting job is just
earn and feed my own family, doing duties, keeping promises,
accomplishing all responsibilities. I am old now. Very old. I had
nothing to do now in my life, free from responsibilities, free from
duties, free from keeping promises, free from taking care of others.
But
I can't make me free from those questions still now. Still now, at
the end of my only life, I just think.
“What
I had done in my life more than doing duties, keeping
responsibilities? I had just earned to live, but I didn't do anything
to live the life fullest. Now I had a lot of “ambitions” to
achieve, lots of “dreams” to be fulfilled, lots of “passion”
to live, but neither they can be achieved nor they can be fulfilled
now. I wish if I could have been a singer, if I could have been a
writer, or an actor. I wish I could have explored the world by
traveling myself, or a businessman to have my own world renowned
business. I wish I could have at-least a hobby, a hobby of writing,
reading story books, singing, acting or any other. But I had lost all
the opportunities to fulfill all these expectations, as I was just
changing my ambitions than finding one. Maybe I have an answer of
“what am I?”. A successful retired old engineer. But I don't have
the answer of “Who am I?”. I wish I could get back that young
age, I could have made a real “ambition” just one time, could
have asked myself, “what I want to be?” I wish I could have
reached Everest once in my life, or could have arrived a space
shuttle. Or perhaps, I could have been...?”
As
soon as he finished his story, his eyes filled with tears. He told
me, now I've nothing to lose and to achieve.
And this is one of the
time of my life, that I wants to hold on. I wished to hold the whole
trice as still it is and to continue and listen a never ending story.
I can see every expression that changes uninterruptedly. In actual
I'm looking the presence of myself through his eyes.
Regards
Dhitendra
Keep Smiling :-)
