It
does not matter now, I thought. Nothing
does. I
will close my eyes and everything will disappear. The world. The
tears. The pain. That
was what I hoped for, that was what I believed in, that was what I
had never tried before. Because if I tried and it didn’t work, I
would have nothing left to have faith in. Because if I closed my
eyes and the pain were still there, I'd feel like a broken piece, Destroyed, Ruined, Reduced and much more Crippled.
But
today I was ready to take that risk. Today I wanted to stick to
that little hope that everything might be if not fine, but at least
Okay. Today I wants to close my eyes. So what if there was a good
chance that I might be knocked down and broken into pieces.
How
did it matter if nobody cared?
How
did it matter if even I did not care?
Suddenly I noticed her picture on the table. It was an old one and one of the
most
beautiful
one. I realized that I didn’t remember when it had been taken.
Five years ago? Six? Maybe more old. I didn’t know anymore. I
didn’t even care anymore. I didn’t want to know. Should I close my eyes now, I feels wondered. Let myself forced to enter in the world of illusions, to the world where I
remembered the pictures, the dates. Where I actually didn’t need
pictures to look into her eyes. Where I just did
not need
any pictures. Because She and only she is there; with me.
But, even then I wanted to close my eyes. I really mean it. I hoped to see her in
the world of my fantasies. I wanted to ask so many questions. I
wanted to talk. I wanted to stay silent. I wanted to feel her
presence. To feel her love. To feel her. To be with her. I wanted to
stay there with her forever. I wanted to close my eyes and never want to
open them. No, I didn’t want to die. I only want to close my
eyes, to feel her presence, to feel myself in her arms, to feel her
warm embrace and love. I wanted to dream. To hope. To live with her.
It
was her birthday today. It was her first birthday after that car
accident. It was her first birthday after the car accident that had
changed my life forever. It was her first birthday after the car accident
that had killed her. It was the first birthday. Damn
it! I thought. It
is the first birthday when she is not with me to cut the cake. It
was the first birthday when she was not with me to celebrate the day.
I didn't ask “why”
anymore.
The time of questions had long passed. I did not feel to cry anymore. Not today at least. And I did not feel to smile anymore. Not today at least. All I wanted was one
simple thing – to close my eyes, to disappear, to vanish. All I
wanted was to live, was to live only with her.
Should
I close my eyes? I asked. Silence. In an utter silence. Of course, who would have
going to replied for my own soul question? Apart to me.
For that time, I thought in whole world I was all alone, wrapped by the blanket of loneliness, tuck in the
darkness of grief, losing myself in an agony of silence. I was
alone. And She was alone too, Somewhere. Maybe in another world,
people says that exist afterlife, maybe in that world.
"Love
need not to end like this one", I
thought and muttered to myself. "At-least not
in this way." Not here. Not now. It just can’t end. It is not
supposed to. It can’t.
But She was not there. I knew that; very well. I just was not ready to accept
it. I
just was not ready to accept she's dead and away from me with a
cheery smile and a wave of hand.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. A moment later I was smiling, sat on the bench under an old oak tree. In my imagination I was sat
down next to her. I didn’t say a word. In my imagination neither
did she speaks a single word. But at that moment of life did we both exactly
need some words to say?, no we actually didn’t need words, we need feelings to understand, we need Just
each other. And all we had to do was to close our eyes at the
exact same time.
And we did.
“Forgetting
someone whom you love from depth of your heart is like a pain, that
can not be cured, while the moment you spent in love is like a memory
that no one can steal.” - Singh Dhitendra
Regards
Dhitendra
Keep Smiling :-)
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